malinaldarose: (Default)
I'm sure people wonder why I don't ask for help with my household woes. Here's how those conversations go:

Them: I'll be glad to help you any time. All you have to do is ask.
Me: Great! I need some help, please.
Them: *crickets*

While I was walking Jack this afternoon, I went into the vacant lot behind my fence to see what was going on with the sumac tree. It doesn't look like it has actually collapsed on my fence. It looks like a shoot of it (now a large trunk) started out growing across the ground toward my fence, and then bits of it grew upward, so that now it really looks like it's collasped across the fence. I think the fence has actually collapsed under the weight of the grape vines.

I don't suppose I should be cutting any trees on property that doesn't belong to me, but it's a vacant lot, and the people who own it don't do any more than mow it every couple of weeks. I can at least cut the portions that are threatening my fence, I suppose. It's not like it's an oak or a maple that someone planted; it's a sumac, so it's basically an enthusiastic weed. Were HTWIWM here, the thing never would've gotten beyond sapling stage, as he used to keep the fence-line tidied up.

In any case, I will ask my mother if she will allow my father Dad could help me clean up back there and replace the fence. Otherwise I guess I'll have to obtain a chainsaw and learn how to use it.

Today was an absolutely miserable excuse for a day. It started poorly with the dog yarking his morning pills, continued poorly with my left foot feeling as though I were constantly walking on rocks, and just sort of petered out. I had intended to mow the lawn, now that the grass is growing again, and the leaves are falling, but didn't want to aggravate the foot which is hurting less, but is still Not Right. Oh, and I broke my watch strap. Not the tattered one, either. This was one of the good ones. It's the second watch strap in a week -- the strap on the celestial watch broke, too. Well, technically, the pin popped out, but I was outdoors at the time and couldn't find it, so it counts as broken.

On the plus side, Zulily had a sale on Wonder Woman merchandise, so I bought part of BFT's Christmas present.

Oh, and I got a couple of Halloween photo props: a miniature Rider-Waite tarot deck, and an even smaller RW deck. Yes, it's TeenyTinyTarot! (It's so cute!)

I Knew It

Aug. 10th, 2016 07:02 pm
malinaldarose: (Default)
I emailed my mother this morning to tell her about the bats, and she said that she and Dad would be down this evening to see if we could figure out where they were coming from. Dad just called to say they weren't coming. I knew they'd weasel. I just knew it.

I am exhausted. Just...exhausted.

Oh, I didn't post here about it, did I? I was whining on FB about it. I had another bat in the house last night. I think it was a different one; it flew in a different pattern than Monday night's. I knew it was here, actually; I'd seen it when I first came down the stairs in the morning, but lost it, and couldn't take the time to hunt it down. Probably wouldn't have found it, anyway. It took me two hours or more to catch this one, and I was ready to cry long before I managed it -- which was really just luck, as I saw it wriggling into a spot where I could trap it. The whole time it had been flying about the room it was in, it kept landing places where I couldn't get to it. High in a corner, or on the door trim or behind the window shade. (The shade is down, now.) It's like it knew what the window was for, but it had tricked me into believing it had already flown out the open window, so I had pulled the screen down. Wily little beast.

And now I am uncomfortable and distrustful in my own home. I feel jittery and my skin is crawling, and every little noise or flicker of movement has me ducking and searching corners.

After I finally caught and evicted the thing last night, I spent the night on the couch. I was soaked in sweat -- it was at least ten degrees warmer upstairs than down -- and I didn't even bother to put my pajamas on. It was 11:00 p.m. and I normally go to bed around 9:30. I took my bra off, and stretched out on the couch, then proceeded to not sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. Every little noise had me opening my eyes to check out the ceilings and make sure I didn't see any shadows crossing the light -- I'd left the light on in the room at the top of the stairs, which was where the bat was. And it's amazing how much rain pattering on the metal porch roof sounds like a bat ponking itself on walls.

I am looking forward to the cruise now just to get away from the fucking bats.

What do I want right now? I want someone to lean on. I'm tired of being able to depend only on myself. So very, very, very tired.

Right. I need to stop with the pity party, hope that there are no more bats -- spare my some prayers, good thoughts, mojo, if you would -- and get on with the business of packing for the trip. I'm going list-free, which is probably a mistake, but if I forget anything, I can just go to Wal-Mart....
malinaldarose: (Default)
I am already having a shitty day and it's not yet 6:30 a.m. I dreamed about HTWIWM again. He was warm and there and loving and I was happy...and then I woke up alone with the other side of the bed still shoved against the wall, because you don't need two sides when there's only one person sleeping in it. It has been seven years since he came home...and looking at the calendar makes me think that's why I was dreaming about him because it was February that he came back, right before Valentine's Day, because I made a point of not celebrating because it seemed too much like gloating -- ha! You're here with me, not there with her! Ha ha!

Stupid me, right? She ranted at the time that he only left her because they couldn't get by on what the two of them were making, and I have to think she was right, since he left me again and went back to her the week after he got a full-time job. (Of course, he lost the job again the week or so after that, but he never came back again, and I haven't seen him in seven years...except in dreams, yay.)

Apparently, it's never going to not hurt, and when it flares up like this, no amount of telling myself that I'd have never gone to Italy or Montreal or London or Paris if he were still here really helps.

Wallow. Wallow, wallow, wallow, wallow.

At least I don't have to go to work today, which is good because there is currently freezing rain out there on top of two or three or four inches of snow that wasn't there when I got home last evening. And boy, was Jack full of piss and vinegar when we attempted walkies this morning. He was straining at the leash, following rabbit tracks all over the place and when I was trying to get us out of the way of the plow, he was extremely non-cooperative. We walked half a block, then I got pissed and brought us home. It's still raining; I'm rather hoping it'll warm up enough to just turn to rain and wash it all away again so that I don't have to try to wrestle the snowblower out of the garage later.

I am so tired, and I didn't accomplish anything I was planning to during this extra-long weekend.

On the plus side, I went out to dinner with BFT and J1 last evening, and we had a good time. The Mexican place we had planned to go to was closed, so we went up the street to My Favorite Place. We talked a bit about the cruise this summer (we are apparently going in August), and the trip next year for which we really need to start planning in the next month or so. J1 is going to Hawaii this coming weekend, lucky thing. Amusingly, she is flying out of Toronto rather than Buffalo. Apparently the trip from Toronto has a layover in Vancouver (and is nonstop on the way back from Honolulu to Toronto), but the trip from Buffalo goes all over the place. We will also be flying from Toronto to Seattle for the cruise, and of course flying from Toronto next summer.

BFT had told me that Jo-Ann's has a new line of Paris-themed items for spring, so I stopped in on my way uptown last night. I really like the stuff. Most of it has the Eiffel Tower on it, and while I used to really dislike the Tower, now that I have seen it in person, I like Tower-themed stuff -- as long as it's a well-done depiction. I don't do cute, and I don't do impressionistic. I actually had a couple of items in hand -- a tea towel that I had vague thoughts of framing and a photo box -- but after standing in line for several minutes I realized I was going to be late for dinner, so put the stuff back and left. We were later than I expected at dinner (because BFT's evening class was cancelled), so I didn't stop back in on the way home. I had vague thoughts of going back today, especially when I found that they don't have the stuff online, but I'm not going anywhere today unless it does warm up enough to clean up some of the mess out there. I shouldn't spend any money now, but I'm depressed, and when I'm depressed, that's immediately where my thoughts go.
malinaldarose: (Default)
As birthdays go, yesterday was not the best. It wasn't the worst, mind, but it was far closer to that than not. I managed to close my finger in a door (not seriously, but it still hurt). The herd of deer in my backyard when the neighbor let her dog out first thing in the morning decided to go through the fence instead of over it. (Fortunately, I discovered that before Jack did. Also fortunately, the point they charged through was the gate, so I should be able to repair it on my own.) I spent the afternoon mulching leaves and cleaning the gutters that I could reach with the ladder I have. I had planned to go out for dinner, but was too tired to bother showering after working all day, so I had leftovers and watched a movie instead.

I got tons of birthday messages on FB, but I didn't get any cards. My aunt and my mother both sent me the same Paris-themed e-card. My mother didn't make any other attempt to get in touch; I didn't even get the "what do you want for your birthday?" discussion this year. I can't make up my mind whether that's victory or not. Funny how I wanted to be left alone all those years, but when I was, it didn't make me any happier.

Today, I have more plans for work around the house. I need to go to Home Depot and buy some fencing to repair the gate. I am rather hoping that they have pieces so that I don't have to buy a whole roll. Actually, I'm rather hoping there's a piece in the shed, but I doubt that there is. I know that there's a roll of fencing in the attic of the garage, but it might as well be at the summit of Mount Everest; it's easier to just go buy a new roll than to try to get up there. I also have some caulking to do, and while I'm buying fencing, I'll probably also buy a taller ladder, as the one I have is only a five-footer.

At least it's supposed to be in the 70s today; when I saw the forecast, I decided to save my laundry until today so that I could hang it outside. The first load should be done shortly.
malinaldarose: (Default)
The weather changed overnight, or is, perhaps, in the process of changing. Because there was an Astronomical Event (the Lyrids meteor shower reaching its peak), the sky clouded over. Of course. It is currently wet, though perhaps not actively raining. At least not at the moment. Yesterday it was gorgeous; I even opened the back door. Today? Twenty degrees cooler and rain. At least the snow is out of the forecast for tomorrow when I have to travel. I figure with the weather the way it is today, I don't have to feel guilty about not getting dressed at all. And since my sister is out of work until 5 May (until her next position starts), no one in the family will know I am not at work unless they happen to call my desk for some reason, which is unlikely.

I spent almost the entire day yesterday working on my Rare Women fic. I estimate that it is about two-thirds finished now. I expect to spend most of today working on it, too. I would be quite pleased to call it a draft by dinnertime. (Even more pleased to call it a draft by lunchtime, but that's probably not going to happen.)

I am really wanting new furniture. Or maybe just to move the furniture I have around; I can't decide which. Actually, new furniture would be nice; I have almost nothing in my house that isn't a hand-me-down. Post Office Lady told me a few weeks ago about a charity that will come and pick up stuff from your house, and they'll take anything, no matter the condition. The only catch is that you have to get it outside; they're not allowed to come into your home. I think she said it was affiliated with the VA, but I didn't write it down and my Google fu is failing me this morning. Though maybe I should hold off; I'm going to have a garage sale at some point, and I could put the green loveseat, the red recliner, and HTWIWM's dining room table out for that. I have finally decided to get rid of the dining room table. (For real this time; I've talked about it before.) I always loved that table, but it's ginormous and takes up a lot of space, and I almost never use it because I usually eat meals at my desk. I do not foresee ever having any need for a table that seats ten people when the leaves are added; it has been at least twelve years since the last time I had company over for a meal (on purpose, not counting my parents bringing food over after various surgeries). Besides, if I get rid of the table, I'll have more room for bookshelves.

Though I suppose it's stupid to be considering new furniture when I don't even have window sills.

Which brings me back to something else: I can't get help. I see friends posting on FB all the time about needing help with stuff, and they immediately have all kinds of offers. I ask for help and I hear crickets. I mention to my mother that I could use help with something, and I'm told that she'll send my father down to look at it...and months later, I'm still waiting. (She was going to send Dad down to look at that wire hanging out of the wall in my spare room upstairs; I finally hired someone. Although Dad did come down immediately when I called for help with the furnace, so I suppose it's all a matter of degree. On the other other hand, I have two words: upstairs bathroom.) It's no wonder I have all sorts of inferiority complexes.

Right. I'm just procrastinating here. Time to fire up the laptop and dive back into that fic.

FWP

Nov. 15th, 2013 06:54 am
malinaldarose: (Default)
So...I have one of them there first world problems of which you hear so much. (A phrase I despise, by the way.) After waiting most of the afternoon yesterday (bonus: I did get through the Great Form Letter Project), two guys in a big truck showed up and brought in the new chair. Let me explain this chair. It's bigger than a standard chair, but not quite a loveseat. I think that Penneys still refers to it as a "couch," though. It folds out into a twin-size bed.

And I hate it.

But let me back up. The guys weren't certain it would fit through the doorways in my house, but with much pushing and shoving, they managed. I actually was worried for the door trim between the laundry room and the kitchen. They lifted it up over the counter between the kitchen and the backroom, took off the packaging, had me sign for it, and then skedaddled.

It turned out to be bigger than the space I had made for it, and I had forgotten that I ordered brown instead of blue. I sat down on it...and it was as hard as a rock. Maybe I should go try it again now that the cushions have had a chance to warm up; maybe it was just because it had been in an unheated truck all day. It's even more uncomfortable than the loveseat that my mother is storing in my house, and that's saying something. I suppose I could take the cushion off and jump up and down on it for a few days....

So the guys took off, and I attempted to open it to get at the bed. No go. I hauled on it and I worked at it and I hauled on it some more...and I hurt my shoulder, back and gimpy leg during this process.

Eventually, I turned it upside down (not without a lot of effort) and found that there were two very wide plastic straps that had to be undone. Once I cut those, the bed slid out with no difficulty at all.

So much for delivery and set up. I'm minded to send a nastygram to Penneys, but by the time I get around to it...well, I won't get around to it.

It'll do. I will definitely have to add the mattress from my folding bed, but that's not a problem. Then I had to fold it all back up and rearrange the back room that I just rearranged last weekend, to put the chair against the back wall.

I am so sore this morning, and I'm no longer allowed any ibuprofen -- blood thinner, you see. Can't have any now until after the surgery. "Take Tylenol," the doc said. Tylenol doesn't do a thing for me, which is why I take ibuprofen, and why I'm not enthusiastic about having a prescription for Lortab for after surgery...because it's Tylenol.

So after all that fuss, I am stuck with yet another piece of furniture that I don't like. And I can't send it back because it's considered a custom order (even though it really isn't).

And then my mother called last night. I dropped the f-bomb on her. Twice. For the first time ever. She was just trying to be helpful... Funny how when she's trying to be helpful, it's exactly the opposite. I finally yelled at her and told her I didn't want suggestions, I wanted sympathy. I didn't also tell her that I wanted to be left the hell alone; I waited until she'd hung up to say that....
malinaldarose: (Default)
I am feeling two things this morning: depressed and alone and as if it would be self-indulgent to admit to it. You'd think after four years I wouldn't have these mornings anymore, but Sundays had their charm, and it's cold, and I dreamed about him again. And her, for that matter. It was a weird Sliders sort of dream: I was out driving and there was a weird slippage in the universe, and when I got home, they were living in my house. Maybe it's a subtle hint from my subconscious that it's time to redraft my Will (in which he gets all my worldly possessions -- which I've always felt would serve him right, really, to have to deal with a houseful of objects that belong to someone else that he neither wants nor can use).

On the other hand, my desk is now clean. The detritus of my trip is tidied away; the camera batteries and chargers are back in my usual camera bag; the scissors, magnifying glass, and tape rolls are in the drawer; the pens are put away; the guidebooks are all shelved; the new Heyer mysteries that have arrived are catalogued and shelved¹ Silvina the Kindle and the unnamed cheap tablet are on the bookshelf out of the way; the bits and bobs that need to be scrapbooked or taped into my journal are gathered into my Globus folder which is tucked away, and the only things left are my journal and a guidebook to San Gimignano that I have acquired since coming home. Well, those and the books I need to package and send to my niece and nephew.

The house is cold this morning. If the weather forecast holds true, I will probably have to switch on the furnace tonight. Maybe I should switch it on now just to make sure it comes on. (Oh, that lovely burnt dust smell⊃.) Or maybe I should haul the electric heater out of the library and use it in the living room for a couple of weeks and hold off on paying a gas bill for a bit longer. Of course using the electric heater means an increase in that bill, so...six of one, I guess.

I was planning a pajama day today, but if the weather forecast does hold -- cloudy this morning, but rain this afternoon -- I should probably go out in an hour or so and mow the front yard since I got the back done yesterday. It looks funny out there, too, because the oak tree is only about five feet from my teacher-neighbor's fence and she hasn't mown her yard yet, so mine is all bare and hers is covered in oak leaves. Usually it's the other way around.

The major parts of my Halloween costume arrived yesterday (the sweater and the tie). I see that a couple of the places that I have dealt with before for costuming bits also sell a grey wool skirt, but I think we'll go with the idea that Hogwarts has become a bit more progressive and girls wear trousers now. Because I own a pair of grey trousers, that's why. And if the grey of the sweater doesn't match the grey of the trousers, then we'll go with black. I'm going to have to try on my one white blouse to see if it still fits me, since it's been a while (and a few pounds) since I last wore it. I wonder if my mother has a black robe in her ministerial gear that I could borrow? Chances are slim that I'd find one in a thrift store in October. (Yes, I am trying not to spend too much on this, because spending money on something as frivolous as a Halloween costume and then complaining that my windows need to be replaced is...something or other.)

Merlin continues to feel the need to be in the middle of the dining room table. This I simply do not understand. I don't think it's the allure of a forbidden surface, because he knows damn well that I'm going to squirt his ass until he gets down. And he announces that he's going to jump up there, too, by yowling for ten seconds beforehand. I'm wondering if I put something up there that is covered with that no-scratching stuff, if it would persuade him that he doesn't want to be there. I should give it a try. He doesn't seem to get up there during the day, only when I'm settled on the couch for the evening watching TV. Maybe he just wants to see me jumping up with the squirt bottle half a dozen times before he comes over and curls up next to my feet.

I read a pretty well-written fic this morning on AO3 that recast the Avengers as Hogwarts students. Which, I know, has been done to death, but this one was really good. Also really long. Clint and Natasha were Slytherin prefects; Pepper was Head Girl and a Hufflepuff; Tony and Bruce (who was a werewolf, of course) were in Ravenclaw (duh); and Thor was a Gryffindor prefect. (He also had a Slytherin brother who was mentioned only and didn't appear.) The focus of the story was a Gryffindor by the name of Steve Rogers who vanished in the Forties after fighting a dark wizard called the Red Skull. And he starts to reappear around Tony.

Yeah, I know. But it makes me happy (happier, anyway), so there.
---
¹ What? Doesn't everyone catalogue their books? Doesn't everyone have nearly 3,000 books in their houses?

² Huh. "Petrichor" is a real word. I thought they'd just made it up.
malinaldarose: (river_bug)
  • It's my own fault for leaving it unattended, of course, but I was out of the kitchen for less than two minutes and returned to find that Kethri had chewed an opening in the center of the package of beef strips I bought for stir fry and was licking them. I rinsed the three top strips; I'm cooking them for lunch, anyway. Probably get some dread cat-spawned illness. At this point, I don't even care. Maybe I'll forget to wash my hands after changing the kitty litter, too, just to do the job right.

  • The van has, in the last week or so, started to feel...wobbly when I drive it.

  • I just uncovered the bedroom windows and realized that I wasn't imagining that the stain on the ceiling had grown larger. The roof has been leaking; there are water stripes all the way down the wall.

  • I just want to cry. Choose to be happy, indeed. When, precisely, am I supposed to do that when the universe is conspiring against me and has been for years?
malinaldarose: (Default)
It's New Year's Eve...or the last day of December, if you prefer. At work, I've already had to write 2013 on various bits of paperwork; I had to do that at the beginning of last week. I joked with my supervisor that I had to go lie down until that fit of the vapors passed. And fortunately, my calendars arrived yesterday, so I'm all set for tomorrow.

It's only just after 9:00 a.m. and I've already been out to get groceries, filled the gas tank, and changed the kitty litter. I have to start the laundry soonish, and I suppose I should do that sanding that I didn't do yesterday. I have decided to commit an act of fukkitry and leave the paneled wall as is, other than painting it. If it looks bad after the room is primed, then I'll think about that paintable wallpaper (thanks for reminding me of it, [livejournal.com profile] carmy_w).

Even though it's early, there are already all sorts of End-Of-Year posts everywhere, though I daresay those are from people who aren't in my time zone or west of me. Later today, or perhaps tomorrow, I'll prepare my list of books read, and maybe do a photo post. Or maybe not.

BFT and I are planning to catch Sherlock Holmes at the later matinee this afternoon, then go out for dinner. That's the extent of our New Yearing. I will most likely have been asleep for a couple of hours when midnight rolls around.

Although there's a Huge Thing coming in 2012 (and I don't mean the end of the world), I find myself unable, at this moment, to summon up any enthusiasm about the coming year. I have heard it said that happiness is a choice: you choose to be happy or you choose to be miserable. I don't see any choice. I really, really don't. All I see are varying degrees of unhappiness, from discontent to outright misery. Sometimes, I feel like that one antidepressant commercial: I used to be happy. I remember being happy.

Blah. Ignore me. I'm just missing...some things I used to have.

Not Concise

Nov. 4th, 2011 08:06 am
malinaldarose: (Default)
One of my birthday presents to myself was a ten-year journal. Each page is devoted to a single day and has just four lines for each day across ten years. To no one's surprise I am sure, I am having a hard time boiling down my thoughts for a day into four lines. I'm like the Roundabout Answer Guy in the Monty Python sketch. MyAuntie says it's the mark of a novelist: can't answer a question in under 10,000 words. Well, she'd know, I suppose.

I seem to have survived the second week of LJ Idol. There were lots of favorable comments on my piece, but the voting wasn't as strong as I had hoped given the comments. Ah, well. It's just a thing, right? No big deal.

It's Friday, which is a most excellent thing in theory, but in practice...well, I still have to get through seven hours at Ye Olde Office, then scurry home, shove something foodlike down my gullet and get back out to the church for event setup. Last year's setup had us there past 9:00 p.m. and then back again before 8:00 a.m. the following morning. Since we've lost three our of best volunteers in the last year, I foresee a long night and day tomorrow. One of our officers has also suggested that shire members should park some blocks away rather than taking up parking spots by the church that our guests could be using. While that's probably good advice, I don't fancy schlepping garb and bags and all the several blocks between her suggested parking lot and the church, especially since I'll have to nip out before the feast in order to feed my critters.

To be perfectly honest about it, I have no interest whatsoever in being at the event tomorrow. I'm scheduled for the last troll shift, which is the most useless because by then, no one will be coming in. It means I can't take the class I wanted to, and I'll just be hanging around uselessly until it's time for troll. The few friends I have will all be busy with other tasks, and I just can't make myself go up to people and stick my neck out to be chopped off or not as they see fit. I can't go home, and even if I technically don't have to be there because I'm not the autocrat, since I'm the freakin' seneschal, I feel obligated to be. Also, I've gained so much weight this year that I'm not certain any of my garb actually fits, though I suppose the gown with the train will since it was too big to begin with and I had to pin the sides to keep them from looking like wings. I'd rather be home working on the house.

I'm not quite sure why I keep hanging on, frankly. I guess I keep hoping that I will meet more people; I'm perfectly happy to be introduced to them, I just can't introduce myself.

In other shire news, someone asked to join the FB group. He's got a lot of SCAdians in his friends list, from all over. Unfortunately for him, he also has my brother's first wife and her new husband, and I loathe her (all the more because before she set her sights on my underage brother, causing all sorts of dissension and strife in the family, she was my best friend). So he does not come highly recommended. Besides, so far, no one else in the shire seems to know who he is.

Merlin just burst into the kitchen from the basement meowdeling at the top of his lungs. Apparently, he's in the mood to play....
malinaldarose: (kings weary)
Well. The knee is not better. I did end up taking this afternoon off, just because, but I also ended up spending it at my desk at home, writing. So the knee is not better. This inspires me to go two things: replace my desk, which has needed it ever since I first bought it (it's a conference table that I got at Office Max when I first started going out with HTWIWM, and it's too tall), and replace my office chair (which I bought at roughly the same time, and which looks it). Neither of these things is likely to happen, of course, but I am still inspired to do them....

This evening, I propped the knee up on stacked pillows, put one warm bag over it and one under it, and popped Independence Day into the DVD player. You know I'm not having a good day when ID4 is my movie of choice.... I have so far watched up to the end of the first attack, but am ready for bed. I'm just waiting for the reheated warm bags to warm up the bed a bit.

I don't know if I'm going to make it to the Y tomorrow morning or not; I guess I'll decide when I get up. I do need to get over there to weigh in, though. On the other hand, maybe I can just give it a miss this week.

I know I sound like a whiner, but...well, partly I am a whiner, but also, partly, my knee shouldn't be bothering me like this after almost three days. I honestly didn't work it that hard. Though I suppose it could be cumulative from the group exercise classes and so forth.

Anyway. Time to out the dogs....

So, I'm Up

Jan. 9th, 2011 09:31 am
malinaldarose: (fawkes)
It's Sunday morning and I've already had a piece of chocolate. But it was after shoveling the driveway (which I did in lieu of going to the Y this morning), so it's all good.

I had awful dreams last night; I woke up at 3:00 (why is it always 3:00 a.m.?) from a dream in which I was riding in the front seat of a car with HTWIWM and his Twinkie in the back seat. And there was a house involved and some mutual friends were also there, and pretty much everyone was taunting me about how I'd lost him. And when I finally did get to sleep, I dreamed about them (minus the friends) taunting me some more. And when I got him away from her and demanded to know why he had done this to me and why he didn't love me anymore, he informed me that she was pregnant. I woke in tears. I've never had that happen before.

On the other hand, I've been expecting the news that now that she's managed to marry him (which she had been scheming to do from the moment he first moved out, even after he moved back in), she'd also convince him to get his vasectomy reversed so she could have all the kids in the world. The vasectomy, by the way, which my insurance paid for, after we were separated (and wasn't that a nasty shock when I got the EoB in the mail). He hated my job so much, hated that I worked for Social Services, but wasn't loath to avail himself of the benefits that went with it.

Yeah. I'm having one of those days again. Weekends are still really, really, really hard for me unless I work constantly. Which I have not done this weekend. And it's not even that we spent a lot of time together on weekends, because we didn't. We both did our own things on Saturday -- I worked around the house and he either worked in the shop or worked elsewhere, and often played D&D in the evening. But Sundays we always spent at least the morning together.

I've been thinking again about how much I want to go back to school. I really want to go back to school. It's not going to happen -- at least, not for years -- but I still want to do it. Right now, I need to get the house finished. Or into some semblance of finished, anyway. I feel guilty about taking a little time to myself when there's wallpaper hanging out in the dining room, or trim that needs to go up in the bedroom, or painting to be done in the kitchen and laundry room. For all intents and purposes, this is still the house that the previous owners lived in. We never made any changes, even after he began The Great Insulating Project (which I am now finishing, and before it turned into the Great And Never Finished Remodeling Project). Anyway. I find it difficult to concentrate on other things when the house is in the condition it's in, and that's not conducive to schoolwork.

Maybe that's why I haven't been able to write, too, except for the occasional fan fiction.

Anyway. I've felt sorry for myself at all y'all for long enough. Time to go make some pancakes or French toast or something...though it will soon be time to start chopping things for Sunday Soup.

Family...

Dec. 19th, 2010 09:45 pm
malinaldarose: (nellie)
Gosh, it would be nice to be understood by my family. It seems that I remain UNNATURAL.

I am so not looking forward to dinner next Saturday.

Note that I am using my Nellie icon. Nellie was my great great grandmother. She wouldn't understand me, either.
malinaldarose: (emma xmas lobster)
I am so very tired this morning. This week has dragged on and on and on and on and on and on and...well, you get the idea. I haven't done any work on the house since the end of my vacation, and that's starting to get to me. My breezeway is filled with trash overflow from my tiny shed because first the dumpster hadn't been emptied and now it's going to be impossible to get to until there's a bit of a thaw. I'm seriously considering signing up for curbside pickup, if I can figure out what company it is that does it and how much they charge a month. There are four or five other folks in the neighborhood who have pickup, but I haven't seen one of the trucks in a while, so I can't remember who does it.

I'm back to pilling Merlin daily because his upper respiratory infection is back. The funny thing about this is that before I had to pill Kethri, I thought Merlin was difficult, but it turns out he's easy-peasy. Of course, catching him at lunchtime when he's generally sleepy helps. Though the last few days, he's been meeting me at the back door when I come home. If he thinks getting pilled is positive attention, then I need to pet him more often.

Well, I need to pet them all more often; the lack of attention to my pets is one of my many failures.

Yeah, I'm in that sort of mood this morning.

I'm also considering donating my extra van to the local NPR station. If I did it in the next couple of weeks, I could get the tax credit almost right away. And given what people have been telling me, the tax credit is probably more money than I'd get for the thing trying to sell it. The only problem that I can see, then, is that I wouldn't get the hatches on the two vans switched, because it certainly can't be done in this weather. On the other hand, I haven't actually needed to open the hatch on the purple van since I discovered that the latch was only held in by the lock wiring. I do think I need to nurse the purple van through another couple of years until I can get my stupid credit cards paid off (I know better than that, dammit, and yet whenever I get really, really down, it's off to Amazon I go).

I'm trying, too, to decide whether to sign up for the flex account for next year. I don't go to the doctor all that often, but I do buy supplies for my contact lenses and I'll need a new prescription before the end of next year, and the place I go doesn't accept my insurance, so it's all out-of-pocket. On the other hand, it's not really a large enough expense to justify the account, in my opinion. Though I could certainly open the account and then have my eyes lasered, which is tempting. If I could use it to pay for Y fees or WW fees, I'd do it no question. But unless you have a prescription for those things, it won't. Which is what stopped me last year...and is obviously going to stop me this year, too.

I am also in the middle of a massive Impostor Syndrome attack. I showed a couple of people at work my cardinal photo on the WBFO website and it's been slowly spreading around the office. One of my friends is urging me to find a way to make money off the photo. "It's the most beautiful winter photo I've ever seen!" she tells me. But...it's a crop from a larger photo. It can't be that good -- I took it. Who am I to take photos that people would like? And so on. It doesn't matter how often people tell me it's good. I can see that it's good, and yet.... *shrug*

On a far better note, though, I think I have finally found the opening into that Regency Faery Thingummy that's been sitting like a huge lump in the back of my head for two years or more. I need to start keeping a notebook in the car so I can pull over when I have apostrophes. Of course...in this weather, the pen would be an inksicle....

Right. I need to out the dogs and get dressed for work.
malinaldarose: (Default)
Well. Out in the living room, the elven tongue (and if I were in a really geeky mood, I'd look up which one is spoken in Rivendell) is being spoken over Frodo's unconscious body, while here in my office, I cannot seem to stop crying. It's really rather annoying. I'm hoping the Hercule Poirot can take care of that for me....
malinaldarose: (nellie)
Things that are making me tense today: Familial obligations.
  • I feel guilty about not wanting to go to Sunday dinner. I half expect Grama to call at any minute to make sure I really don't want to come. "It's no problem; I can just put an extra handful of spaghetti in the pot. I miss you, you know. It gets lonely here, with your Gramp not able to hear anything I say." (It's not that Grampa can't hear you, Gram; it's that he turned off his hearing aids, so he wouldn't have to hear you. Besides which, the whole point of the thing is that it's my cousin's birthday, so she'll be there.)
  • And then there's the obligation to spend money on my brother's brats. I loathe those little monsters, but I am required to get them pretty presents for Xmas.
  • For that matter, there's the expectation that I will adore the aforementioned little monsters because they are my brother's children. Apparently, I'm simply UNNATURAL. Again.
  • The expectation that I am my mother's little clone.
Right, this is about to devolve into true nastiness, so I guess I'd better go employ my thumbs on Cruiser's behalf and open the back door before he decides to run through the house peeing and I have clean up after him.
malinaldarose: (Default)
I'm fighting yet another wretched mood this morning. It started last night; for no reason I can really think of, I just started crying...and then Cruiser pooed on the floor and I really broke down. Which was probably punishment enough for the dog, because they really hate it when I cry like that. I think it frightens them.

Oh, and then I realized that the Nylabone that Cruiser had been chewing at so industriously all evening was gone. Vanished. Mysteriously.... I think he chewed it in half, then swallowed the pieces. I expected to wake up this morning and have to clean up dog puke, but so far, the pieces have not reappeared...unless they're out in the backyard.

And, to top it all off, I woke up from a dream in which HTWIWM appeared at my house for some reason and I was trying to get him to tell me what wrong I had done him that he felt the need to do what he did. So, yeah. Great mood. It's gonna be a swell day.

At least I wasn't late for work, even though I got up nearly an hour late.
---
I ran into my brother and his Lizard last night at KMart. She actually deigned to speak to me, but I think it's partly because she can't bear to be left out of any conversation going on within three feet of her. She claims that she had a chance to snub HTWIWM recently, but as I can't imagine that the encounter took place as she described -- she claims he spoke to her first, which, just, no. He can't stand her any more than I can. Unless, of course, he was trying to get a sub from her and she was ignoring him, at which point, he'd loudly demand to see her manager, because he can't stand her any more than I can, as I may have mentioned.

I suppose I need to get busy and get Christmas presents ordered for the geckos. And find out from my sister what my nephew wants and if he's going to be with her for Xmas or his father.

My other niece -- my sister's elder child -- is easy: she's a reader. Good girl.
---
It seems that I will be seeing Harry Potter tomorrow evening with friends. One of the group is going to guarantee our tickes in advance by buying on Fandango. The Fandango service has been available for this theatre for well over a year, so I wish they'd do away with the three-fold commercials for it before each movie.
---
The A&S 50 Challenge list has been alive lately with discussion of people's persona challenges. Several people are doing diaries and/or letters, and the proverbial lightbulb appeared over my head. This is what I should be doing for my challenge. I shouldn't be trying to figure out what patterns to learn to embroider or what scrolls I should be making -- though since scroll cases seem relatively simple to make, I should probably make a bunch of those to donate to the Kingdom -- I'm good with words, so words is what I should be working on. I've already had a few half-baked ideas about what to do, too, so I'm going to explore this option for a while. It's, what, AS 45 now? So I've got plenty of time to write 50 letters by AS 50, if that's what I decide to do.
---
My former partner's birthday is next week. She used to organize Friday night happy hours once a month, so some folks from here have organized a Friday night happy hour birthday party for her. I don't think I'll go. I should, I suppose, but I never went to the happy hours before, so why start? (Especially since I don't drink.) Not to mention that I really, really thought she'd at least remember to send me a birthday card since we were partners for ten years. And she really, really didn't. Oh, I'm still planning to send her one, 'cause I'm like that, but, well.... Bleah.
malinaldarose: (Default)
After all of the good wishes I received yesterday, it seems churlish to admit that I had a fairly wretched day. It started the evening before when I couldn't stop crying. Just couldn't stop. Oh, I'd stop for half an hour or so, but then something would set me off again: a line in a book, a photo in a magazine, the closing music from an episode of Bones. I was already pretty low, and when I let the autocrat for Hallowtide know how many tablecloths I would have made and that I would have special ones for the head table for TRM, she dismissed them and casually demanded that I buy yet more fabric (no longer on sale) and make more tablecloths.

Having since exchanged further emails with her, I know that she wasn't actually demanding any such thing. But the tone and the dismissal just tipped me right over the edge, and I wasn't feeling any better about things when I woke up yesterday morning.

And then my birthday was forgotten at work. This might not seem like such a big deal, especially when I told my own relatives that I didn't want a party, but, well, my office makes a big deal out of celebrating birthdays. There's a list with everyone's name and date on it. People bring in goodies and cards and presents -- and if you're one of the Cool Kids, you need teamsters just to get out of the office at the end of the day. Me? Not one of the Cool Kids. One of my supervisors remembered and gave me a card and a loaf of cinnamon bread which I cut and shared -- but even then, no one connected it with a birthday. Everyone just exclaimed, "Oh! Someone made bread!"

Even my friends (and I still have a couple in the office) didn't remember. And then one of my supervisors told me that the state was planning to phase out Medicaid at the county level and have it administered completely at the state level by 2014, so, hello, then I was worrying about losing my job in the next three years. So, yeah. I was pretty surly by the end of the day.

But then I got out of work and it was such a beautiful day, and I had promised one of the aforementioned friends a lift to the garage where her car was being worked on as it was half a block from my polling place, and she apologized for having forgotten my birthday. "That happened to me once," she said. "I looked around, and I thought, 'Okay.'" And she made this face. It was pretty funny.

So I voted. I don't like the new ballots and electronic readers. The ballots remind me of taking the Iowa tests -- fill in the bubble completely -- except with markers instead of number two pencils. It's not particularly private; I'm relatively certain that the little old lady who showed me how to use the reader took a good look at my ballot. I dunno. I liked the old lever booths. You knew you'd voted when you used one of those. I don't like converting my vote to pixels; I don't entirely trust computers, and as a friend is fond of saying, paper always boots.

My special birthday treat was a movie. I went out to see RED again last night, and it was almost as much fun the second time around. And it meant that I wasn't home when my mother called expecting me to be home so that she and Dad could invade my space even though I'd told them I didn't want any company. 'Cause what I want is pretty much irrelevant and has been for my entire life (and not just with my mother, either).

Today, I'm off to Rochester for a mammogram, and probably an ultrasound, if past mammograms are any indication. My grandmother and mother have both had fibrous lumps, and it seems that I do as well, which is why I go to a breast clinic in Rochester instead of having my mammograms done at the hospital here, because I'd only end up going to Rochester or Buffalo to a specialist anyway. I am a bad girl, though, as I did not stop drinking caffeinated sodas for the last two weeks.

After the squooshing, I'll go and have a belated birthday meal and some belated birthday shopping. And then I'll come home and get back to work on Hallowtide projects. I'll be glad when this is over, and though I'd planned to go back to Rochester for Æcademy on 11/13, I may just give it a miss -- especially if they don't get the class schedule posted.
malinaldarose: (Default)
My birthday is coming up in a couple of days. My mother wants to know if I want cake and ice cream. I can't decide which would make me more miserable: having my birthday in the bosom of my loving family, or celebrating it alone with only Gibbs, Ziva, Abby, Ducky, Tony, and McGee for company. (I'm leaning toward the latter, this year, along with possibly changing my locks. Or just confiscating my parents' key.)

RED

Oct. 29th, 2010 06:20 pm
malinaldarose: (Default)
I am feeling miserable and as though I'm going to cry at any minute -- yet again, for the gods-alone-know-how-manyth time -- so I am going to go to the movies. I am going to have popcorn and Raisinets and soda for supper and I am going to see RED, which is hilariously funny. And I am not going to feel guilty about laughing at deaths, when they are followed by one-liners like "Old man, my ass," or preceded by lines like "Open the pig."

So...will this be the night I run into my first husband?

(And no, I don't really expect to ever run into him; as the district manager, he would be there during the day and he'd never be there on a Friday evening. But with the way things have been going....)

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